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My husband and I had a big fight a few weeks ago. Well, actually, it wasn’t the duration or the issue of the fight that was big, it was the magnitude of my anger. I remember the moment. It’s like when you know you’re going to burp and you feel the gas bubbles coming up through the middle of your body just before it comes out of your mouth. That’s how the anger started. As my husband was speaking to me, I remember feeling the anger beginning to bubble in the middle of my body. I made the split-second decision to allow the anger to explode versus just letting the comment wash over me. My husband was pushing a button, and he knew it. I knew it too, but I chose to let the anger take over.Now I was heated. My head and heart were pounding and I heard myself raising my voice. I became so upset, and so determined on defending my position that I lost my appetite and was silently fuming for the rest of the night. The next day was no better. I was at work and I felt tired, sad and angry. It took a few days for me to recover from that episode.
When I spoke to my mom about this she had some advice for me. She said that I should have let the comments go by instead of latching on to them. She offered strategies. Counting, deep breathing, ignoring the words, and staying calm were the actions I should have taken, according to mom. By the way, this is the same woman who argued with her husband all day long, every single day of my life. Just before my dad passed away, my mom discovered a Zen way of managing crucial conversations. Basically, when my dad pushed her buttons, she would ignore him and calmly say, “why are you yelling, I’m not yelling at you am I?” According to her this worked like magic and my dad would stop his ranting, at least for a little while.
As I was listening to my mom’s advice I was thinking defensively. How can I just roll over every time he decides he wants to make hurtful comments? Isn’t it enough that I am giving in 4 out of 5 times? Isn’t worse if I repress my emotions? But, I also wanted to know, who can possibly have this kind of composure when someone is deliberately trying to make you angry? My defensive self wanted to ask her these questions. Instead I listened and tried to take mental notes.
I am reading Critical Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes Are High by Kerry Patterson, Ron McMillan and Al Switzler. I am less than half-way through it and I am still having a difficult time believing that I can have that level of self awareness, composure and elegance to guide a difficult conversation away from anger and towards productive dialogue. The examples provided in the book to demonstrate some of the principles seem completely unrealistic to me. I feel I would have to be Mr. Spock to do this! Yet, I am willing to try.
So far, the principle I have found most helpful is to stay focused on what you really want. This requires examining my motives and being clear as to why I am having the conversation. So, let’s see how that would have worked in my recent fight with my husband.
It started when I realized I had missed the deadline for a refund on my car’s warranty. I was upset with myself for having procrastinated and now it was 5 days too late. I told my husband and was contrite about it. However, my real motive for the conversation was to hear him say that it was okay and that he understood, so then, I could forgive myself. But of course, he didn’t react that way at all. He became angry and it made me even more upset. The conversation took a turn for the worse when he enumerated his views as to why I had missed the deadline. This is how the fight came about.
Had I been able to remain focused on what I really wanted from the conversation, the outcome could have been much different. If I wanted his acceptance of the situation and his understanding, I would have redirected the conversation back to the truth. If I had said, “Cariño, I screwed up. I am sorry, can you please forgive me?” I don’t think that things would have escalated to where they did.
The stupid and unimportant things that lead to anger are never what the fight is really about. More than likely what it is really about is our need to feel loved, accepted and valued for who we are. Being aware of our true motives behind every crucial conversation is key to dealing with anger.
How do you deal with crucial conversations? Any advice?
Much Love,
Yaya Speaks 