Every year I promise to write more often, or to call, but here it is, 12 months later and I’m just sitting down to write you this note.
How’ve you been? How is Mrs. Claus? And the elves? I hear that you had to lay off three reindeer this year due to budget cuts. We are having to do more with less too. It’s tough everywhere.
Well, I know you’re uber busy so I’ll get right to it. I wanted to start by telling you about how good I’ve been this year. This year I did not get any speeding tickets, or parking violations, and had only one teeny tiny collision with a shopping cart at the Giant. No one was hurt, and the cart walked away with a squeaky wheel that would only turn right, but I think it was faking it in order to get some time off.
This year I was really good at limiting my purchases at DSW. I am down to three, sometimes only two pairs of shoes per visit!! That’s a big improvement from years past. Also, I lost my temper only a few times this year, and stayed mad for no more than 72 hours, with one exception, which was that time that I did not speak to my husband for a week and a half, but you know I was right, right?!
Anyway, I was very Zen this year and reduced my caffeine intake significantly. I took time to smell the roses, until they made me sneeze. And then I noticed that weeds were taking over my garden, so I used my time management skills to fit gardening into my life. Then I got poison ivy on my arms, legs, and torso, which stressed me out. I started drinking coffee again. Now I’m back to three to six cups per day. I’m taking it one day at a time.
I have also made great strides in controlling my urges for chocolate. Instead of buying my weekly supply of M&Ms, Snickers, and Hershey’s Nuggets, I buy chocolate only once per month, and I buy it at Costco, so I’m saving money too! I have been good at controlling my sweet tooth too. This year, I did not eat all the leftover Halloween candy, and brought it to the office instead. I kept all of my dentist appointments and flossed at least once a month, sometimes twice if I remembered.
This year I was better at taking off my makeup before going to bed after a night out with the girls, or after two glasses of wine with dinner. Other good things I’ve done that are worth noting are: I’ve started recycling! Now, all those empty boxes of wine and bottles go straight to the recycling bin; I turn off the cold water while I’m brushing my teeth so I am using half of the H2O; when I leave a room and know that I won’t be back for another three, four, five hours or so, I turn off the lights; I have changed the HVAC filter every three months, just like the manufacturer recommends; I cleaned out the ice trays and dumped the ice cubes that smelled funny or had a crust on them; I organized my refrigerator and spice drawer and threw away all condiments that expired in 2008 and earlier; I also threw away the old mascara tubes that had accumulated at the bottom of my makeup bag; I took the stairs when the elevator took longer than two minutes, well, unless I was going up more than two floors, you know I still have that hip problem; and I’m down one dress size, HURRAH!!
Given that I have been very, very good this year Santa, I am submitting to you a list of things I would like to receive for Christmas. They are listed in no particular order, but I would prefer to get most of them due to my exemplary performance. I prefer one shipment rather than piecemeal. Please don’t hesitate to call me if you have any questions.
- To be selected for the show, What You Should Wear, so that I can get a full makeover and a $5,000 gift card to shop in NYC while getting style tips from Stacy and Clinton.
- Two cases of Connundrum 2010 California White Wine
- One case of Auka Malbec (any year)
- A paid spa vacation to Peru, Costa Rica, Ecuador, or France (in order of preference).
- A monthly $50 Groupon to DSW
- Cooking lessons – for anything Asian or for baking delicious breads and pastries
- An entire new undergarment wardrobe including new hose, tights, and pant socks.
- One year’s worth of body waxing
- One year’s worth of gas – the one that makes the car run
- Somebody to do the groceries, pick up the dry-cleaning, iron, vacuum and clean the toilets.
- Higher interest rates for my savings accounts and 401Ks
- One year’s worth of massage or physical therapy for the ol’ hip.
- A non-dairy, good-tasting, comfort food that will keep me regular
- A reversal elixir for grey hair, sagging boobs, drooping nalgas, and cellulite
- A decent jewelry allowance
- A $400 Groupon for teeth whitening
- An app that finds the empty space in a crowded lot and parks my car
- Lower air fares to Florida, California, Arizona, Nevada, New Mexico or anywhere warm in the next three months
- And, last but not least, good health, peace and quiet, and prosperity for all.
Santa, I really appreciate our relationship and am grateful for all you have given me over the years. Though we have not always agreed on the number of presents you pick from my list, or the timing of their delivery, we have always been able to work things out. I understand that you might have some transportation limitations this year so I am willing to be flexible. If you can’t make it until the 26th or the 27th, I’m okay with that. Thank you in advance for my presents. As in years past, I will leave a plate of cookies and a glass milk by the chimney. Chocolate orange swirl cookies this year! YUM!!
Wishing you and your family a joyous holiday season.